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January 19, 2006

Heroes

When Jeri was going through some old family photos, I found some sort of report, essay or some other intellectual fodder she had been working on at some point in her life. Fortunately I was able to steal it for a minute and post it here:


  • Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck is Chuck.
  • Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
  • As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
  • A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
  • If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
  • President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.
  • To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
  • Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
  • Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
  • Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  • At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
  • Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Contrived by Joshua at January 19, 2006 12:58 PM

Comments

And this, people, is what THE STATE OF ARIZONA pays my husband the big bucks for.

Posted by: doodle at January 20, 2006 08:28 AM

I wouldn't complain too much, it puts food in your belly.

Posted by: joshua at January 20, 2006 08:38 AM

mmmm food. im hungry!!!

Posted by: doodle at January 20, 2006 01:49 PM

I'm going to go ahead and assume (based on prior behaviour), that you did NOT eat your lunch today, and are going to waste the food instead.

Posted by: joshua at January 20, 2006 03:14 PM

I could suffer from personality defects MUCH worse than "food waster" besides.....that stems from childhood "issues".

Posted by: doodle at January 21, 2006 05:59 AM

You always ate your food when either Pat, myself or James J were around.

Posted by: Joshua at January 21, 2006 06:45 AM

new layout, yes. but where are Ian's comments about Chuck Norris?!?

Posted by: fredoluv at January 26, 2006 12:06 PM

Posted by: Joshua at January 30, 2006 09:59 AM