Visceraman1 - Joshua Lopez

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October 30, 2006

Dear Diary: A River Runs Through It

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!

Get this!

I came home the other day, and saw that one of my most favourite superstars of all time had been to my house. (No, not Burton Bell, and not Sheena Easton, but Melissa Rivers herself!

How can I be sure you ask? Silly Diary! She left her calling card on my door; a small white sticker with her autograph, and a lipstick kiss on it! Of course, my first instinct was to take it off the door, but as I didn't want to tear, or otherwise harm it, I left it on, and figured I'd wait until Administration came home and provided expert advice on how best to remove it. So I went inside, grabbed Volume XIV of my scrapbook series, and began to make a border for the page.

When Administration did come through the door, I expected some level of excitement from her, as she would have to see the sticker when she put her key in the door. I leapt to my feet, and began my "Happy Flappy Dance", (something my "crazy" doctor may want to know about, but doesn't...), and pounced on Administration with joyous cries of "Did ya see? Didja See!".

Administration lowered her face towards me, her mouth forming a vicious sneer, and her eyes narrowing to slits. "SEE FUCKING WHAT IDIOT BOY!" she hissed. (It should be noted that although a small bit of urine leaked from my you know what, this doesn't constitue peeing in my pants (not that there's anything wrong with that.)) I fell back onto the couch, and curled into my "Fetal Lamb" position (something else my "crazy" doctor doesn't need to know about.)

I pulled my thumb from my buccal cavity, and whimpered "Melissa Rivers was here Ma'am".

"WHO?" hissed Administration.

"Melissa Rivers, from the E! channel" I said in a barely audible tone.

"You mean that horse mouthed cunt, whose only claim to fame is being the daughter of that pretentious bitch Joan Rivers?" barked Administration.

"You are referring to the female Mr. Ed, who is only able to yammer about who's hot or not, who wears good and bad outfits, and other shallow jibber jabbe?" she contined. Her face was inches from mine, and she was stabbing her finger into my chest as she talked....or rather bellowed,

"Y..Yes ma'am" I said. I turned and buried my face into the pillow (the one Administration spilled wine on some time ago, but quickly decided it was me that was to blame for it.

"Well I've got something for you then Pee Pee pants!" she said. She tossed a wadded up piece of white paper at me. My heart sank as I realized what it was. Gone was my autographed sticker. Gone was my piece of Melissa Rivers.

I rose from the couch, ran into the bedroom and cried myself to sleep.

Sometime during the night, I awakened to gentle caressing of my head.

"Cute guy!" "I'm home!" I heard whispered in my favourite voice. I sat up and shook my head. "What the hell is this?" I thought. I stared at the clock, and saw that it was nearly 7:00, almost dinnertime.

Whoa...what about the sticker I thought. Had I been dreaming? Was it the strict regimen of Trazodone/Lexapro/Bupropion/Haldol my "crazy" doctor had me on? I was suddenly dizzy and felt faint. I reached into my box/nightstand, and got out my paper bag. I slowly breathed in and out, trying to pull my thoughts together.

"Look what I found on the door!" Administration exclaimed. "Your Melissa Rivers came to see you, did you see her, or were you on the phone with Kerry again, and stayed late at work?"

I gasped as I saw the sticker in her hand. Not crumpled, not torn, but lovingly removed and laminated in archival plastic. I breathed heavier into my bag.

It had been a dream! Not about Melissa Rivers coming to see me - but just the other nonsense. I jumped out of bed and snatched my sticker. I placed it carefully in my scrapbook for eternal safekeeping.

"Oh cute guy..." Administration cooed. "Let's get you cleaned up okay?"

Apparently the part where I dreamt that pee pee leaked out, wasn't so dreamlike after all.

Contrived by Joshua at October 30, 2006 07:27 AM

Comments

Posted by: Kerry at October 30, 2006 11:49 AM

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Posted by: Joshua at October 30, 2006 01:52 PM

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Posted by: will at October 30, 2006 07:46 PM

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Posted by: doddle at October 31, 2006 03:23 AM

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Posted by: Joshua at October 31, 2006 05:57 AM

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Posted by: will at October 31, 2006 07:55 AM

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Posted by: Sdsfghfj at March 11, 2007 02:56 PM

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Posted by: Supermaster at March 12, 2007 05:08 AM

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