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October 31, 2006

Dear Diary: Uh Oh

Today has been a bit trying for me to say the least. It feels like I've been building up energy inside for the last week or so, with some sort of a culmination occurring today.

This is a huge amount of energy; the sort of energy that when I saw looneyman today, I couldn't stop fidgeting, sliding feet, bouncing, and shredding my receipt on his futon. (I'm sure he was mortified and breathing into his paper bag behind the legal pad, even though I tried to pick up all the pieces several times, and of course shredding those as well.) Because of this, the attention was aimed at addressing that particular issue. Natually we discussed how this sort of energy level has built up many, many times over the years, and how this time, today, it was more than upseting me, but in fact frightening. Frightening because I don't have control over this, I don't know what's causing it, and don't know what I can do to stop it.

And that's just the selfish part of the fear.

Although I hear what Jeri says about the affect this is having on her; I don't, and probably will never truly understand how horrifying it must be for her. In a sense, I would think it would be quite similar to how I feel; not in control, not knowing what's happening from day to day, wondering if there will be an end to this, or will I be like this forever?

I'm angry about it. Angry at myself for being this way. Angry for not addressing anything, just shoving things inside for years and years and years. When we were discussing the building of energy, it was sadly apparent that this has occurred many many times in my life. It's easier to see when I reflect, but at those times, nothing felt "wrong", and especially not this chaotic. Am I turning into one of *those* people now?

Contrived by Joshua at October 31, 2006 01:39 PM

Comments

T-i-double gg-er,
Didn't Dahmer leave a little something aboot?

Posted by: Kerry at November 1, 2006 08:40 AM

You're absolutely right, I am going to march right downstairs, and lug the jug of lithium up to my office. Or should I go with the DMSO first?

Posted by: Joshua at November 1, 2006 10:22 AM

DMSO will act as a sort of surfactant, making the lithium absorb deeper into the stomachs mucosa ... hence, for best results, take them at the same time. Beware, the clam smell will give you a hankering for crackers (or sex.)

Drawing on my Psych. 101, lots of sex may resolve your problem.

Posted by: Kerry at November 1, 2006 12:38 PM

I've jotted that down (underneath my latex injection instructions I wrote down so long ago (oh, you think I'm kidding?)

As Jeri would say, "FOR FUCKSSAKES REMEMBER THE LEXAPRO!"

Posted by: Joshua at November 1, 2006 12:45 PM

Reality is for those who con not handle their drugs.

Posted by: Tonya, Burton, Sheena, & Melissa at November 6, 2006 02:25 PM

comments are for those who can spell! clearly you have had enough of these drugs!

Posted by: doddle at November 6, 2006 05:28 PM

I suspect that Tonya, Burton, Sheena, and Melissa will survive on their; skating, music, and boobs (respectively.) Personally, I am with Twain .. I decided to not write Twains comment on spelling at this time. A chill was felt in Utah, and it was not the Canadian express. I hope all is well.

Posted by: Kerry at November 7, 2006 08:47 AM

Joshua is very cared for by his friends and family. He is also respected by individuals with "clout" which will be used if need be. And his father will use "the cape", which i dont completely understand, but I will step out of the way for. It cheers him to find little notes from his friend Kerry!

Posted by: doodle at November 7, 2006 01:56 PM