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October 11, 2006

Fond Memories

Mere moments after I had finally tested Kerry's patience with my phone call yesterday, I remembered something I had forgotten to mention. My first thought was, "well, let me call him right back". As my porky stump like fingers fumbled on the keypad, hitting the 8 and the 0 at the same time, I had a vision of Kerry, finally begin released from the stammerings and mumblins of Joshua; uttering a "Jesus!", and either unplugging the phone, or scurrying out of his EMPIRE just as fast as his grown up sized feet could move. (I suspect the latter, and in my mind Kerry's right about the 8 foot mark in height, which compared to my 5'4 frame, is "grown up size").

The thought was still with me this morning, but I was pretty sure Kerry would not make the same mistake as yesterday, and therefore left the phone unplugged. Or perhaps in pieces.

Let's get to the point then shall we?

In the early 90's (when home invasion robberies were the hip thing), I was leaning on the bar of The Mason Jar in Phoenix enjoying a frosty beer, having just performed with the ill-fated but now notorious band, Megalith. As the final act (Master____sound clip was putting the final touches on their set up, I plucked my sweat soaked shirt from my chest, and in doing so, glanced across the bar. There, in the corner, was a slight glow emanating. . My eyes were drawn to the glow. I grabbed my beer, and slowly made my way toward the glow, curious about what was causing it. In just a few steps, I could see the faint outline of a woman smoking a cigarette. Moving closer still, I could see that she had long blond hair, and looked very familiar to me. But who, and from where?

If you've ever been to the Mason Jar, you know that it's size and reputation weren't on the same level. It really only took about 6 steps before I was nearly on top of the woman. However, having been the subject of a recent incident in the Scottsdale area, I didn't want to seem too aggressive. I stood to her side, and said "I think I know you from somewhere". As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized what an inane thing that was to say; a phrase that could, and would imply that I was making the cheesiest attempt to hit on her. I slapped my head, and sat on the floor.

Instead of bolting away or worse, a kind face looked down on me, smiled and offered me her outstretched hand. Her skin was immediately warming, a sense of gentility flowed through me. Even in the dark, fog filled bar (a leftover remnant of a certain band member going just a bit overboard with the fog), the purest blue I'd ever seen shined down on me.

"My name is Tonya, Tonya Harding" she said.

I was speechless. Here I sat, in a puddle of Schlitz, holding the sweet hand of THE Tonya Harding. I was flabbergasted. I stammered something faintly resembling "My name is Joshua, and yes, yes I know who you are!", what she probably heard was along the lines of perhaps Chewbacca. She paid no mind to it, and pulled me to my feet. She was indeed a strong woman. She guided me to the seat next to me.

Downing the rest of my Schlitz, I gained the courage to ask what brought her to Phoenix. It turns out that she was in town to rally support for the "Save the Australian Rock Lobster" foundation, and would be in town for just a few days to make some mall appearances. She again took my hand, slowly caressed it, and said "So what's a single gal to do in this big big city Joshua?"

I thought for a minute, "is she?", "does she?" "nah, not Tonya Harding...with me?"

"I know a little place we can go" I said.

She held my shoulder, head resting gently on my shoulder and we walked to the might Ranger that sat glistening in the parking lot.

The rest of the night was a magical event to say the least. They say a gentleman never kiss and tells, but fuck that. I'm no gentleman!

Me and Tonya, yeah....we went to Castles & Coasters.

Contrived by Joshua at October 11, 2006 12:29 PM

Comments

That is a wonderful picture of the two of you.

Posted by: will at October 12, 2006 07:30 AM

Caray! Una perra, perra, una puta, almeja, toto, chocha. Ella dicho ella nunca cojeda tutu asno perra. Cuando monos vuelven de mi culo. Me cago en las tetas de la Virgen Maria para que el Nino Jesus chupe mierda tambien. Me parece que la vene de la lengua pasa por tu culo porque hablas mucha mierda. Me cago en dios t los 365 santos del ano.

Sorry for that!

On another note, Tonya touted a worthy cause on the saving of rock lobsters. I would like the throngs of Visceraman readers to know that rock lobsters are vital to the planets continued existence, yet us gluttonous humans have taken them to the brink of extinction. We would all be wise to make a pact to never eat a rock lobster as long as we live. If saving the environment is not enough motivation for the readers, perhaps knowing that lobsters are members of the cockroach family will act as a deterrent ... out of friendship, pass the word along to your cockroach eating friends.

Posted by: Kerry at October 12, 2006 09:24 AM

Kerry, you are simply amazing.

Young doodle and I are extremely guilty of our blatant disregard for the rock lobster specie. For nearly a year now, each day when I reach into my lunch pail, I find a bib, crackers, and 2 rock lobsters for my enjoyment. I'm always surprised, and elated by their presence (even though I have to shell Jeri's the night before - remember the carcass issues..).

So, as I wipe lobster meat from my lips and gums, dab a bit of clarified butter on my scalp (promotes hair regeneration), I will swear both Jeri and I off of rock lobsters.

Instead, we will begin feasting on Palo Verde beetles. (Jeri can't bear the sight of the shell, but loves the rich tapioca filling!)

Posted by: Joshua at October 12, 2006 11:24 AM

If any of the aforementioned words are Spanish, and/or are offensive, I offer an apology. I was just the monkey at the keyboard. A special sorry to Doodle, Jesus and Mary, Joshua and Will's mothers.

My bad

email out!

Posted by: Kerry at October 12, 2006 12:11 PM

Was the spanish offensive? I don't think so. I too think that monkeys are cute and , and it clearly says in Ecclesiastes 13:17 that "he whoever so forth shall bear the name Jesus may very will chupe as many nino's as he so desires sayeth the lord our god".

Doodle, everything simply translates to:

Frijole con queso.

Posted by: joshua at October 12, 2006 01:17 PM

At last an expert to query.

Leviticus 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Canadians, but not Mexicans. Can you clarify?

I know that I am not allowed contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15:19-24.) The problem is, how can I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as stated in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

Leviticus 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine sayes that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 10:10,) it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. Do you agree with him?

When I burn a bull at the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9.) The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this.

Please help, I am just trying to live a worthy life.

Posted by: Kerry at October 12, 2006 01:52 PM

I'm stopping by the local Mennonite locale on my way home. Group prayer on this is required. (Your sister-in-law normally eschews such endeavors, but you may already know that from her sister.)

I just burped up a bit of rock lobster.

Posted by: Joshua at October 12, 2006 03:57 PM

I will probably continue dining on rock lobsters every once and a while.

Posted by: will at October 13, 2006 07:24 AM

When you find a place that serves rock lobsters, would you please let me know where it is? I would like to organize a peaceful protest.

Posted by: Kerry at October 13, 2006 08:10 AM

Kerry, There's a joint here called Molly G's that serves up rock lobster. I however, no longer give them my service because of that. Jeri on the other hand, can be found there on a regular basis, enjoying her 3 foot pancanke.

Posted by: Joshua at October 13, 2006 11:36 AM

Molly G's started with wanting to ban cigarette smoking. If they ban rock lobsters(sigh) I will have to boycott the whole city of Tucson.

Posted by: will at October 14, 2006 05:48 AM